As per usual, my birthday posts have been a bit late nowadays. Just want to wish both beloved sister, Pipah and one of my lovely girl friends, Jann a happy belated. May you both be blessed with happiness and prosperity. Hehe.
Pipah: I don’t have a nice photo of us or should i say of her not covering her face. And i think that’s my other sister’s hand making an appearance lol
Jann: Hurry up come home! *sniff*
PS- i love you both! hehe XOXOXO
Out of boredom, i just wanted to post this up coz it was my favourite scene back when we did the play for Drama Studies. Enjoy 
4.14am. SIGH!!! I CANT SLEEP!!! and i was supposed to wake up at 4.50am coz i have convo rehearsal later where we have to be at ICC by 6.15 am *dead* i don’t think i can even drive in this state. I’m feeling really dizzy. Only had one glass just now but then thought against drinking more as i was scared i couldn’t wake up. Why do i even bother going to the rehearsals? Oh yea, the constant nagging from my friends. But then it wouldn’t matter if i were to not be here anymore right? Anyway i haven’t actually been crying since Friday but just now, i just burst into tears and had some dangerous thoughts. Missing him badly. Sigh. But at least i got past those thoughts and managed to make myself feel numb again. No one to talk to now. Hence my rambling again here. Not many people check out my blog anyway so it’s fine. The art of engraving happened again. Felt somewhat better after that. At least i stopped crying. In fact i am kinda sick of crying. But it’s just so frustrating i still do. Just now in the afternoon i just remembered like why i woke up in the middle of the night yesterday. That was because i dreamt about him. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
And oh, J clicked on me just now. Not much was said i guess. Just the usual catching up on stuff and a bit of what i wanted to let out. He didn’t say much just now. Though after we finished, what he said somewhat lingered in my mind. He said “just hang in there”. Easier said than done. I could have been gone last night. I’m just tired of fighting. Felt so useless and hopeless and the fact that i just can’t seem to get things done right often. I mean, what have i achieved? Not much compared to most people i know. I am a hindrance, a burden, and someone of no use whatsoever. Sigh. Just have to go through today without another scratch. I don’t know how much longer i can stand having to be in pain. Life is unfair. And i am still lost. Now i have to get a bandage again or something. Need to cover that. 4.25am. Doubt i can sleep now. Might as well do some chores then have my breakfast and get myself ready for convo rehearsal. Gahhh i need sleep. Still not feeling well. Until next time. xoxo
3.19am. Woke up in the middle of the night and i am missing him like crazy. I know i should be sleeping now since i am sick and that i haven’t been sleeping much for the past few days hence why i got sick in the first place. Sigh. I have been using other means to escape temporarily and i have also realised how much more numb i am feeling nowadays. Saw him during the Barracudas game, what great instincts i have which told me to look up the moment he went in through the entrance. Sigh!!! At least Yi Wui was around recently (well until just now in the morning) to make sure i didn’t do anything stupid. So now, i don’t know how it’s going to be. Really just want to talk to him, J i mean. Like the old times but then everything got fucked up so here i am, in that state. The poem in my previous post would tell you in great detail how it has been for me.
And i have a match later tonight just hope i am fit enough to play. My team needs me, there’s only one sub allowed so yeah. On that note, i hope everyone would be present or else we would have to play 3 people throughout the game and i don’t think i can do that in this sick state. My body feels so weak and my shoulders especially are aching badly. 3.29am now. He has his first paper later. I wanted to wish him luck just now but i thought against it as i may just make it worse for him. Why is life so unfair? Why does it have to be this way?? Hmmm i really should try to go back to sleep. Oh i was listening to this song just now, it’s our song, that i didn’t get the chance to sing to him. Anyway, i am starting to get scared as to how far this numbness will take me. Just have to keep a straight mind. Wouldn’t want to do things that i would later regret. Anyway, good night people. And this is just so rare, for me to blog properly here. Just bear with it, there may be more. I have no one to talk to now, everyone is asleep so yeah. At least this is a lot healthier than what i would normally do. I am too sick to cry i guess. And that thing. so yea. Until next time, chao! XOXO
Loving you by Minnie Riperton. This song is for you. Goodnight you. Hopefully you manage to sleep properly tonight…
This poem took me a week to edit and a few hours to have it written down on paper (the longest time taken so far to get one done). Not only that, I also kept throwing away the drafts, I think there was like 3 of those. My mind has just been so messed up recently that I had difficulty making the poem sound “beautiful” although the title and content are far from that. Nevertheless, enjoy reading. It’s brutally honest and i think there will be a continuation to this poem i guess. Coz i had to really stop myself from writing and writing and writing. Warning: it’s REALLY long!! 4 pages of Microsoft word. So yea.
I’ve never been in love deeply,
Until you’ve taught me how,
Never met my missing piece,
Until there was you in my life,
T o have been so passionate for someone,
Until you came to my world,
And never known this kind of pain,
Until you left me on my own.
Did you know I was always lost in your eyes?
Yet I was so sure of my place in life,
Did you know how my heart beat for you?
Every minute and second when you were mine,
Did you know that you were everything to me?
And that you were my life,
You poached my heart so deep,
To let you do that; how careless was I?
A wonderful journey we had for the past four moons,
I fell in love with an angel like you,
What we had was amazing despite the rough times,
Yet in the end everything vanished,
And in my heart and soul this pain resides,
Your exit threw me back to darkness,
That I took forever to get out,
Engulfed with madness again am I.
Do you know how much you’re hurting me?
To have someone so dear to you taken away,
You wouldn’t understand that pain,
Unlike I who have suffered grief,
I once told myself this must never happen,
To love so much only to have you stolen,
I promised myself that, after She left,
So now I’ve to ensure I stay alive.
Do you even care if I’m in pain?
Or do you brush me off from your mind all day?
Thrown off the path I am by your absence,
I’ve lost my sense of purpose and direction,
I need to hold on,
To whatever I can find,
Before I lose to darkness and pain,
Going that road I do not want.
Let me tell you this my love,
I’m so transparent you can see that I’m broken,
Shattered into pieces I am,
Like a glass menagerie ‘twas smashed repeatedly,
Dropped into a never ending pit,
I seem to continue falling, when am I going to stop?
Though when it ends, so as the chapter of my life,
As I would then be six feet under.
Only Lord knows how much in pain I’m in now,
I’ve to fight for life everyday since 28th last,
“Live Amal, get through today alive” I’d say,
Every time I wake up from my temporary escape,
How I wish at times I can sleep for weeks and weeks,
So that I’d heal myself without having to feel anything,
Without all the crying and hurting that I’ve to do,
Just so to get rid of this hollow feeling.
Your silence makes me weak,
So unbearable this pain I’m feeling,
You have her to motivate you,
Whereas for me, I have nothing to lose,
Except my sanity to name a few,
I’m trying my best to be strong since then,
How I wish things were different,
And that it doesn’t have to end.
Yet again how foolish was I to believe and hope,
I had faith in you, since that was what you asked,
Never in my entire life have I fallen dangerously deep,
For someone that I trusted to keep my heart,
But in vain all the promises, thrown down the drain,
I know you had no choice; I’m trying to understand,
But has it ever even occurred to you?
That this is unfair for me too?!
I am now on my own,
I used to not mind,
But things have changed, and so as I,
I’ve found someone who was so dear to me,
That the parting is excruciatingly painful,
Life has been sucked out of me,
I don’t know if I can stand,
As in this turmoil now I am.
There are so many words I’ve yet to say,
To express this torment that you’ve put me through,
Oh how I just wish I can hate you!
Would have then been easier but I still love you,
Enough tears and blood have already been shed,
But I can’t seem to stop myself yet,
See how much power you have over me!
How my heart trembles writing this to thee.
Let this journey be a lesson for me to learn,
Don’t love so much or I’ll get hurt,
I’ve never regretted loving you that’s for sure,
I just hate that we’re separated forever,
I was willing to fight but you did not,
So that’s the end, and there’s no hope,
I must win this battle before this eats me up,
But what if all I want is you in my life?
[Finished editing today, 20th October 2009. PS: My longest poem as to date]
Bored~ Just want to share a few songs that are, in my opinion, beautiful though they may be a bit depressing too. I have been listening to them a lot nowadays, and when i mean by a lot i meant everyday. That would also include “Unbreak my heart” by Toni Braxton by the way, but i would not include that here in this post as i have already posted that a few days ago.
Long live Mozart!!!! It’s a death song thingy though, but i love it nevertheless
I love this piece as well. Makes me cry sometimes =s
This song by Mariah Carey is simply brilliant. It’s rather sad though. And oh, this isn’t the actual clip by the way. I have also been listening to “My all”. So 
I just realised that i haven’t posted this poem here yet. This was actually some sort of assignment back in 2007, on the repetitive use of listing, as you will see below later (as i referred to someone’s qualities). I was obviously referring to someone but yeah, gosh he’s so ancient! haha. Enjoy!
It has then been long since the last shattering,
though it still needs more time to do more mending,
my beauty- a curse?
I wish not to know,
Though abusing it has been often,
Only to rid a past off my life.
Then one day another came along,
Spent one meal and then again,
A chemistry happened and made me believe again,
Quero-te [1]was all I have got to say.
Though it might have been a mistake,
I knew you would have to go,
Yet I couldn’t stop to control,
Hence let myself fall into the deep pit I mistakenly dug.
Although our encounter was brief,
It had made itself a story,
The leisure of your company,
The warmth of your smile,
The softness of your lips,
The intensity of your eyes,
The tenderness of your skin,
The affections of your touch,
The solace of your embrace,
Da-me um beijo meu amor[2],
Please don’t go.
Yet it was all in vain,
It had been written,
That our paths intertwined only for a moment,
But the memories I will treasure,
Forever in my heart.
Your difference was striking,
As I still linger on thoughts of you,
The freshness of your wit,
The meekness of your humility,
The kindness of your heart,
The strengths of your principles,
The intelligence of your words,
The peacefulness of your comforting,
The stimulations of our conversations,
The attraction was undeniable,
Why do I have to suffer again,
Due to distance and instability that part us,
Eu ter saudades tuas meu amor[3],
I will always be your Linda.
[2] Kiss me my love
[3] I miss you my love
Ok i don’t normally do this but i have been listening to this song a lot lately. If you are reading this, on which i doubt anyway, this one is for you. You know who you are.
I know this is freaking late, been so lazy to blog. shouldn’t be so lazy hmmmm. anyway, happy belated to these lovely ladies; Ryda and Beah!
24th Sep: I love you woman! Best of luck in UK, and hope you will find your happiness in life because you deserve it. Thanks for being there for me all this time. I didn’t want you to go that time but you have to do what you got to do right? i will see you next year darls. MWAHHH!!!
30th Sep: And to Beah, may your wishes come true. One already has. This pic was taken during her engagement. Notice the ring? hehe. happy belated as well babe! xoxo
Hi readers! Oh gosh i know i haven’t been updating my bloggie for a very very long time now. I have been somewhat busy and i just didn’t feel like it. Anyway, i’ll first start with this post – one of my passions: basketball! I might want to start singing again though. There are more from RA Rockettes, i’ll just post up pictures first. More to come on those. I stopped downloading the other time. Anyway, enjoy!
me in action: i look so weird with d top tucked in O_o
listening to coach
go team!!
LOL
i love cheryl!
opening ceremony
ka war and i
Pictures courtesy of everywhere, don’t remember all lol. This took place around Aug. More to come! I’ll try to update my blog often. xoxo
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